10 October 2011

There is always hope...

I wasn't really sure what to write about today as I spent the whole weekend decorating and sorting out my sons bedroom.

I saw an article this morning about miscarriages and stillbirths in the UK and how some ladies are made to stay on a ward with other pregnant women or even new mums.

Firstly I am completely aware of the fact that we at least have hospitals and doctors to look after them and that some women have very little or nothing in this world.

After suffering a miscarriage in 2009 I am all to aware of the situation and how very cruel the 'system' can be in these circumstances!

In June 2009 we very unexpectedly found out we were pregnant, I was still on antidepressants for my PND and was setting up a business so it was the last thing I wanted.

But after a few months of feeling horrendously sick we became used to the idea.

On the morning of our 12 week scan something didn't feel right, I said to my husband something feels wrong and after an hours wait we went into the scan room.

The lady who was newly qualified asked how long gone I thought I was and went to find someone else, I looked at hubby and I think we both kind of new.

She bought someone else in who couldn't find anything and proceeded to tell me there was an empty sac and I'd lost the baby several weeks ago.

I was so numb, we had just come to terms with the idea and now it was taken away from us.

I was told someone would contact me the next day to arrange everything but they didn't. I had to contact the EPAU myself, explain who I was and what had happened, this was extremely hard but thankfully the lady on the other end was very kind.

Three days later I went into the hospital to arrange everything, sat with other women who all came, had a scan, saw their baby and left smiling at their scan pictures.

On the Saturday we packed our son off with his Nana and spent 8 hours on a ward waiting for the procedure, eventually I went down and it was over. It meant I could grieve, although to be honest I had already cried so many tears I had none left.

I had to be strong and thankful for my son and looked at him as the miracle he was (as an endometriosis sufferer he was just that).

Several painful months of not falling pregnant ensued but finally after nine months I found out I was pregnant with my daughter.

The long awaited words!
I had been having some pains on one side and was sent to the EPAU. My husband was away so I sat on my own waiting to go in, so many sad memories in that waiting room.

I finally got in for a scan and after seeing the tiniest of heartbeats I knew there was hope.

I carefully placed my pictures in my bag and left as quietly as I could as I didn't want to upset anyone in the waiting room going through what I had the year before.

I then gave birth to our daughter, the amazing expereience and two amazing midwives helped to close some very deep wounds left by my sons birth and the miscarriage and I don't think I have stopped smiling since the day she was born.

Thank you if you got this far I hadnt anticipated all these words to flow, here is to my lost baby and all the others who didn't make it. I do sometimes stop and think about what could have been but then I think about what I have and instead believe everything happens for a reason.

Someone once told me before I had my son and was worried about not being able to have children that 'there is always hope', those words have stayed with me ever since and I now have a complete family.


  1. What a heartfelt post. Your story with your scan sounds just like a friend of mine and she had a really tough time coming to terms with it, she now has a little girl too after nearly a year trying after the miscarriage. It is the last thing you want to do walking through a waiting room with heavily pregnant women etc and being on a ward must be so very hard. I am now following you :-) x

  2. Thank you for your message and following, I never thought I would feel so positive about such a negative situation but I look at my daughter every day and think that if I hadn't of lost that baby she wouldn't be here. Everything happens for a reason and she is mine :)


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